[	Tags	|	anxiety, bipolar, bpd, cutting, drinking, guilt	]
[	Current Mood	|	guilty	]

Today has sucked, plain and simple sucked.
While j was at the doctor's with baby girl I left home for a bit. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do, I just had to go. No it was not a mania stage of have to go, go, go. It was a depressive stage of if I don't leave this house I am going to hurt myself bad. 
I just drove...and drank. 
I know I am not suppose to but I feel like it is the only thing that saved me today. I didn't get drunk and left most of it on the side of a gravel road. I had about 3 drinks which the alchol content is that of a beer. It was just enough to chill me out and make me happy for a few minutes. I wasn't gone long and was back home by the time the kids got out of school.
Before I left I got out the 'cutter'. It helped some but not much. Since everyone knows now I have to watch how the marks will look to someone else who is going over my body looking for cuts. It would help so much more if I could do like before...cut my wrists deep and a lot, wrap it up and say I burned myself, that is why the bandage is there and act ashamed for being such an idiot that would burn herself. I feel like I have lost the only thing that calmed me, the cutting.

Now about the guilt.
OMG it is so great. 
I feel guilty for being such a shitty wife. J really is trying and I am a lost cause. He deserves so much better and even if he doesn't want anyone else he deserves peace which will never be as long as I am breathing. He took me away for the weekend and I couldn't enjoy it or him. I felt like a huge black cloud of doom who hung over us the whole weekend.
I feel guilty that my MIL wants to help so much and does even though she is too old to have to be helping me out. It should be the other way around if it has to be anyone helping anyone. I know she wants me to be close to her and I am as close as I can get but it isn't enough. It isn't a normal closeness and never will be.
I feel guilty for worrying my dad. I feel guilty for getting so mad at him. I know it was the BPD and not me but I still should be able to control it instead of it controlling me.
My biggest guilt though are my children. What an awful mom I am yet they still love me and want me here. I am no longer nurturing or loving. They make me smile once in awhile but mostly bother me cause of the noise or just being 'in my way'. I am still sane enough to know this is not me but not sane enough to stop it or change it. I should have never had kids cause they deserve so much better than me. I should have never adopted. I look at baby girl and she is so perfect, so beautiful and sweet and I am no better for her than that stupid orphanage was. I took her from one desperate situation and placed her in another. I want them to have better than me but I know if I kill myself they will miss me cause I am the only mother they have. I think MIL would be wonderful with them but I feel guilty for thinking about putting such a stress on her. 
Deep down I know everyone would be better without me to deal with. With me there will never be a normal day again. Without me there is hope.

I hate these diseases. Bipolar sucks, BPD sucks, and the undiagnosed anxiety disorder might even such the worst. 
My brain hurts and is so tired. I want to just reach in and take it out so I can rub it till it relaxes and feels better. Yes, once again one of my very messed up analogies.
This is not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11